I Blew It!

We all have those days, where Murphy’s Law kicks in on (seemingly) everything we touch.

Anything that could have possibly gone wrong…. Went wrong. And then there’s Henny’s Law, which my friend-tor Dr Paul Henny discovered- anything that COULDN’T possibly have gone wrong…. Went wrong! That was my story this past Monday and Tuesday, my two long clinical days of the week. You name it, it went wrong!

And so, at the end of my day Tuesday, I was relieved to see that my last person was a lady afflicted with mental illness for whom I struggled, patiently and with a smile on my face, to make a new maxillary denture which she finally approved and wore home two weeks earlier. Tuesday afternoon, Beatrice (not her name) was coming in for an impression for a new lower mandibular l denture. My only challenge for Beatrice was to make a nice lower impression (so I thought).

I walked into the operatory and greeted Beatrice and Ralph with a big smile and a light heated “hi, kids!” (They are 10 years older than me), only to be greeted with a terse “Hello”. And then it hit me- I saw Beatrice’s maxillary denture sitting on my bracket table. Beatrice was not happy.

When I asked, in the gentlest tone possible, “What’s the matter?”, Beatrice threw a laundry list of everything that is wrong with her denture, including the esthetics, which she had previously approved. Beatrice’s remarks triggered a New Jersey style response which, fortunately, I kept inside my brain as I excused myself and left the operatory to gain my composure after a 48-hour period dominated by Murphy’s and Henny’s Laws. I was emotionally hijacked, as my good friend and peak performance coach, Dr Dana Ackley, taught me.

But this time, I could not recover my best self. I was done.

I went back into the room, told Beatrice that this was the best I could do for her and that I saw no reason to continue to try to please her. My tone was short, dismissive, and my mindset was to get this nuisance out of my office NOW. I asked if she would be happy if I refunded her money, to which she replied “yes” with a vindictive grin on her face. Ralph was clearly displeased, and I am not sure whether he was displeased with me, with Beatrice, or with both of us.

When Beatrice and Ralph left, I felt awful. Something was grating at me. I lost sleep that night, even though my community (aka my team) was happy I eliminated needless stress and a dentistry- knowledgeable attorney assured me that I am totally justified in what I did. I also know that many dentists would have done the same thing without giving it a second thought. But I did.

Why?

We had just rewritten our Mission Statement which reads “To deliver the best dentistry possible in a warm and loving environment” because that is who I am. In taking my friend John Blumberg’s Circle of Integrity, I discovered that one of my core values is that people are fragile, people are flawed, and people need love more than anything else. Armed with that knowledge, I have lived with the intent to treat everyone with loving kindness, to my imperfect best.

I lost that integrity with Beatrice. I have treated enough people like Beatrice to know that to continue working with her would have been an exercise in futility for both of us. But I was curt in my communication with her. I was more focused on my own frustration than on hers. And even though my frustration was justifiable and amplified by the ridiculousness of the past two days’ events, I should (?) have been able to override all of that with my integrity and intention. I blew it, or as we say in New Jersey, I (fill in the blank) ed it up.

Lesson Learned

After about 24 hours, I reflected on my failure and realized that this is nothing more- and nothing less- than a learning experience for me. We are all works in progress and I am no exception.

I understand that the question to ask myself is not “Why didn’t I say this or do that differently?” And I cannot tell myself “You should know better at your age and with 41 years of experience!”. Those things accomplish nothing other than intensifying and prolonging self- inflicted misery and hindering learning.

So I replaced those useless questions with the more useful “OK, I now know what a force that pushed me out of my integrity feels like and I will be more aware of this going forward. I will be better because of all this”

I also have a very difficult conversation in my near future in which I am going to edit my life and eliminate a (formerly) trusted individual who has intentionally hurt me on numerous occasions. I had intended to confront this person in a way that would have caused him to need two proctologists, if you get my drift, but am now going to do so with (undeserved) courtesy and humility because that is who I am. The result will be the same- this person will be out of my life- without needless additional tumult.

That may not be everyone’s way, but it is my way, and it is consistent with who I am at the core of my being.

In doing it my way, I assure myself that when I do finalize this edit of my life, that I will feel good about what I will have done, and how I will have done it.

As we approach Hanukkah, the Jewish Festival of Lights celebrating triumph against all odds, and Christmas, a very sacred day for our Christian Brethren, I ask you to shed light on the lives of others. I ask you to reflect on the message of love that Christianity emphasizes (that’s the best description I can give as an outsider looking in on the Christian world, of which I am a fan. I hope I got it right). And I ask you, in that spirit, when challenged in any non-life-threatening circumstance, to do your imperfect best to respond assertively, but with kindness.

From my family to yours, from my office to yours, from the core of my being to you, we wish you a Merry Christmas, a Joyful Chanukkah, and a Happy Kwanzaa.

Have a wonderful week!